


You Gotta Go Father

by revenblue



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Father-Son Relationship, Jealousy, M/M, Norm has two fathers, POV Second Person, but not like romantic jealousy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:08:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27172898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: Heinz Doofenshmirtz isnotjealous of Perry the Platypus's relationship with Norm.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Norm, Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus, Norm & Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 61
Collections: Perryshmirtz Week 2020





	You Gotta Go Father

**Author's Note:**

> Perryshmirtz Week Day 5: **Family** / **Parents**
> 
> Alt title: Perry the Platypus beats his nemesis around the head with a clue-by-four.

_Something_ changed while you were on jury duty. You're still not sure _what_ , but Norm's been acting strangely ever since and pretending he's not and _that_ is suspicious.

For one thing, he's stopped insisting you're his father. Which you're _glad_ about, because you're _not_ , but it's _different_ and you don't trust it. In your experience, _different_ means something's about to bite you in your Heinz hiney. You have the backstories to prove it.

It's not even that you had to _rebuild_ him. Again. Replacement squirrels have never affected his personality before so _clearly_ that's not what's going on _now_ , and you followed your original plans for the rest. _Without_ the weapons he decided to add, because you don't need him destroying the Tri-State Area before you can rule it, but that was it. Same design as always.

Either way, you're keeping him out of the line of fire from now on. Who knows what Perry the Platypus would do to him _next_ time?

You try to put it out of your mind and focus on your schemes, giving Perry the Platypus his usual _monologue_ before he thwarts you, _again_ , because that's what he expects from you. Trap, monologue, scheme, fight, then _he_ wins and _you_ curse his name. A _routine_.

Except _he_ has been acting differently _too_ , rushing through your fights so he can go who-knows-where. It's almost like he thinks he has somewhere _better_ to be.

Midway through _today's_ scheme, Norm walks in, the way you specifically told him _not_ to. "Are you finished yet, Dad?"

"I _told_ you, I'm not-"

Perry the Platypus hits you in the mouth, and _then_ , keeping his cute little _hand_ there, turns to Norm and chirrs. At _Norm_. Not _you_. Was Norm even talking to _you_ at all?

"I'll go and get my baseball glove!" Norm says, more cheerful than normal, which is _a lot_ , then turns and leaves.

Yanking Perry the Platypus's palm away, and scraping _fur_ off your tongue, you glare at him. "What was _that_ all about, Perry the Platypus? Have you been talking to my giant robot man behind my back? Are you being a _bad influence_ on him? You _are_ , aren't you?"

He snorts, and you've at least known him long enough to figure out what he _means_ when he's rolling his eyes like that. _At least I'm an influence._

"Are you trying to say I'm _not_?" you demand, hands on your hips. "Because I _am_ , I'm a _good_ influence - by which I mean _Evil_ , ugh, _you_ know what I mean - because _I'm_ his..."

Raising an eyebrow when you don't finish that thought, he gestures with his hand. _Go on._

You're not falling for it. "I'm not his _father_ , Perry the Platypus," you say, folding your arms. "Why would you- That's- He's a _robot_ , he doesn't _have_ a father."

Mouth twisting in what you wish you couldn't identify so easily as _disappointment_ , he turns and walks away, without even _thwarting_ you. He doesn't _need_ to. You abandon your scheme without a second thought and run after him, demanding an explanation.

Taking over the Tri-State Area can wait. _This_ is more important.

* * *

"I'm not _jealous_ , either," you say to Perry the Platypus's shoulders as he throws a ball to Norm, out at the local park. Since when do they go to the _park_? "I'm _not_." Maybe if you say it loud enough you can convince him. "Why would I be jealous of _this_?" They're only throwing a ball back and forth, it's not like it _means_ anything.

"It's okay, sir," Norm says, tossing the ball back, like he's been doing for the last five minutes. "Not everyone can be as good a father as Perry the Platypus."

 _Father_ , huh? You huff, stomping over to the spare catching mitts Perry the Platypus left out where someone could _trip_ on them. Why does he need so many? "You want a good father?" you fume, tugging one on. "I'll _show_ you a good father, just you wait."

Twisting around to face you, Perry the Platypus rolls his eyes and tosses you the ball, which you fumble a little but don't _drop_ , and jerks his head at Norm. _Prove it._

So you do.

At least, you throw the ball, in the approximate direction of your giant robot man, and it doesn't go _too_ far wide. He _catches_ it, anyway. Which is better than you thought your first time _playing catch_ would go, so you'll count that as a win.

He tosses it _back_ and, well, you're glad for the glove. Only reason _you_ could catch _anything_.

* * *

Perry the Platypus calls a halt to the game, finally, after _two hours_ , and you flop onto the ground. "Oh _man_ ," you groan, throwing an arm over your eyes to protect yourself from the afternoon sun, "who would have thought playing catch was so _exhausting_?" Was that _longer_ than it normally goes, or are you just out of shape? You have no frame of reference for this.

"Thank you, Dads," Norm says, and you're too tired to correct him. "That was a deeply satisfying emotional experience. And just in time for afternoon tea!" Then he walks back home, leaving you alone with Perry the Platypus. Well, _alone_ is a strong word, there's still _people_ around, but they're so far away they don't _count_.

"Stop looking at me like that," you grumble at your nemesis, not bothering to move. It doesn't take an _evil genius_ to know he's got _some_ sort of smug look on his face.

A weight drops onto your stomach, crushing all the air out of you, and you wheeze, glaring at him. Of course it's _him_ , sitting on your lungs like some sort of _smugapus_. He just _loves_ to _thwart_ you, doesn't he?

You groan, again, and drop back down to the ground. "Curse you, Perry the Platypus." That should make him happy, right?

No reaction. Not even a _twitch_. He's just _sitting_ there, on your chest.

"Really? You're not even going to _leave_? You _thwarted_ me good and proper, with the- with the whole _playing catch_ thing, and you always _leave_ when you're _done_ , so what gives?"

Letting out a loud sigh, at least by his usual quiet standards, he shifts his weight, leaning over to flick at your nose. It _stings_.

Eyes watering, you sit up, shoving him off. "Just _go_ already. And stop messing with my robot man, I don't want you _breaking_ him again, you've already done _enough_ damage. I don't know _what_ you were thinking, treating him like a..."

He raises an eyebrow, arms folded. _How were you planning to finish that?_

"Shut up," you mutter, turning your back on him. "Shut up is how." You don't need him _judging_ you. He does enough of that during your _monologues_.

Moving back into your line of sight, he keeps _staring_ , like he doesn't have anything better to do. Why _hasn't_ he left already? Even when you turn away again, he _follows_ you, staying in view with that judgemental _eyebrow_ of his.

Can't he let you have this one thing? It's not even _Evil_ , you don't know why he's so pushy. Literally pushy, he's getting right up in your space now, shoving at your shoulders.

You push him away and climb to your feet, brushing yourself off. "I don't know why _you_ care, he's just a _robot_ -"

Next thing you know, you're on the ground again, face _down_ , with your arm pulled up behind your back and his weight between your shoulders. And he's _growling_. Definitely a growl, you've been pinned down by furious animals often enough to recognise _that_ sound.

"Get _off_ me!" you demand anyway, squirming. Why isn't he listening? "You don't seriously think he's your _son_ , do you?"

All he does is shrug. You don't even need to _see_ it to know that's what he's doing, with the way his weight shifts above you, you've known him long enough. _He wants a father._

You let out a bitter laugh, pulling at his tight grip. "And you thought that _father_ might as well be _you_? I hate to break it to you, Perry the Platypus, but he's a _robot_. I didn't _program_ him to have _feelings_."

Twisting his little _hand_ into your hair, he slams your face into the ground a few times, like he thinks that'll hurt. Which it _doesn't_. The ground is too _soft_ , with the grass and the dirt and the _not metal_ , to really do anything. You point that out to him and he just does it again.

"Why do you _care_ so much?" you say, when he _stops_ trying to get grass in your eye. And _succeeding_ , from the way your eyes water, but you've had worse. "That's not _like_ you, _caring_."

He growls again, flipping you over to glare into your eyes, and there's a new note in his voice this time. Hurt. Sadness. Fury, and not the fury you normally see from him when he's punching your face in. _Of course I **care** , I'm **great** at caring_, you hear in the way his hands twist into your shirt. _I care about **you** , don't I?_

But he _shouldn't_ , you almost say. You're not worth it. And neither are your inators, and what is Norm but another _inator_? The words press against the back of your teeth and you swallow them down, not ready to voice them, in case he _agrees_. "And I _appreciate_ that, but-"

Cutting you off with a shake of his head, he slams you against the ground, _yet again_. Such a _violent_ nemesis. _And I care about Norm, too. He's our son._

"Fine, if _you_ want to be a father, go ahe- wait, did you say _our_ son, or-"

He presses his mouth to yours before you can finish.

The _audacity_. This is worse than when he interrupts your monologues while _thwarting_ you, because at least you _plan_ for that. If he wasn't so _endearing_ , with his soft noises and soft _fur_ and the way you've barely been able to stop thinking about him since you _met_ , you'd be pushing him away to complain. He's _earned_ your _complaining_ , but then you wouldn't be _kissing_ him and you'll take what you can get.

Unfortunately, air is a thing. Pulling back to breathe again, you meet his eyes. His _glare_. "Oh, you _did_ say that, okay." You lick your lips, weighing your options. "And if I _agree_ , if I say he's our... _son_... will you- will you _kiss_ me again?"

From the way his eyes narrow even further, he's either considering it or he doesn't trust you. You're not sure which. _I'm not the one you have to prove it to_ , he responds, eventually. _Tell Norm, and we have a deal._

"You drive a hard bargain, Perry the Platypus. But I'll do it." How hard can it be?

* * *

Very hard, apparently.

He rolls his eyes at your hesitation at the door to the closet Norm spends most of his time in, arms folded and leaning against the wall. _Don't tell me you're scared._

"No," you lie, and bang your fist on the door. "Norm! I know you're in there, I can hear your _music_. Turn it off and come out here already! No, don't turn it _up_. Ugh. Why do I even bother? He's not even my-"

An elbow digs into your shin and you glance down, into Perry the Platypus's glare. _At least **act** like he's your son._

Groaning, you lean your head on the door. Why did you think this would be a good idea? "Please?" you mumble, quieter. Right, because _Perry the Platypus_ agreed to-

Norm's thumping footsteps are the only warning you get to scramble away before he wrenches the door open, with his usual bright grin. "It's good to see you, sir! I really enjoyed spending time with you!"

"Yeah, yeah, no need to make a big deal of it," you mutter under your breath. Exhaling, you look up at him, trying for a smile. Time to make Perry the Platypus proud. "I was thinking of going _fishing_ this weekend-" Perry the Platypus's idea. "-and... would _you_ like to come? Just me and you, and Perry the Platypus if _he_ feels like tagging along, like- like a father-son thing."

His eyes light up at that, literally. It's just like when _Perry the Platypus_ was acting all _fatherly_ earlier, except now it's directed at _you_ , and... well, it's _nice_. More than you thought it would be.

Maybe you _were_ a little jealous.

And still _Evil_ , so, "On second thought, let's _not_ invite Perry the Platypus." Who's standing right next to you, so he can see how Evil you're being. "Why should _he_ get all this _bonding_ time, huh?"

You get another elbow to the shin for that. Worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's a little late but oh well. Still the right day in someone's timezone. This edit brought to you by a 10 hour loop of The Badger Song that has an unpleasant break in the loop every so often.


End file.
